Go to this. If you want to. I'd like it if you did.
A couple of days ago, as usual, I was at work. I ran into one of the "Countryside Characters" as I call them. Let me introduce you to my new buddy Cliff. Cliff can only be described by what he wears. I have never seen this guys face, nor any part of his body except his left hand and forearm that he leaves exposed. The rest of him is covered in dingy jeans, old ass boots, a ragged-ass solid white, stained by saliva marks and random food, 4XL long sleeve turtle neck jersey tee, and a filthy, all white painters hat pulled down over his face like Jay-Z. Represent. He has long, thrasher hair that he pulls forward to hide his mangled face. Also to hide his face, he bites onto the turtle neck to get coverage of his neck leaving a brown mouth stain on the top. Until recently I hadn't any idea why he dressed like this until I found out he is covering up massively mutilated burns over a majority of his body. That being said, he also has a bum leg that makes him limp and look immensely terrifying.
He has a 7 year old daughter who he was shopping for so I started helping him out around the store to find a good shoe for her. He started dropping little hints of his faith by saying things like "I like this shoe, but it is depressed and has too much black on it." and "Do you have any shoes with rainbows on them that aren't made by Osiris? That brand is blasphemous." Of course I took the bait and got into a long 2 and a half hour discussion about my lack of faith in God. He started trying to appeal to me by saying stuff about like "I used to be just like you. I used to get my philosophy from bands like Slayer, and I loved going fast in my car, and following the Devil's message, and being a sinner..." I decided to take train ride out of boredom. I proposed to him the irony of the brand Osiris, although a blasphemous name, them making the rainbow shoes that he kept picking out and saying that they were bright and positive looking. I asked if he could over look this detail and get the shoes for his daughters taste. He then retorted with "Let's say Satan, himself, made a cell phone. Let's say that it were amazing in every way, and the phone did everything you wanted, but you had to sell your soul to get it. Would you represent Satan just to get this phone?" I replied with "I've never met Satan, and I'm not sure if I believe all the rumors." I was kidding of course and he chuckled and restated the question.
At this point I pretty much knew I was in for more treats and this took me deeper into his explanation and theories of the origin of life. Getting deeper and deeper he also stated (after some more prodding) that one of his life goals was to bang fifty Asians in a huge orgy. "They're beautiful girls" he said calmly and collected. Just shortly before this statement an Asian woman customer came through the store. She didn't see anything and left. As she was leaving he turned to watch her leave and grunted to himself. Didn't make sense until that last comment was made.
In the end, we had a robust discussion, and I told Cliff that I would think upon his stories and intrigue and "proof of the existence of God". I told him that next time he came in we're only going to talk of metal and things that make heads go bang in the night. I met an incredibly weird guy, but he was nice. I hope he comes back for more ridiculous banter that I can share. The closure of our conversation came when I told him I couldn't take anymore brain matters and I needed to continue cleaning the bathroom. It was filthy.
- Cliff Harvest